<p>I have dreams or visions of some sort, and they disturb me and leave me feeling emotionally bothered. I wake up with that sick feeling in my stomach and chest that makes me feel like I need to throw up or go to the bathroom. I feel dizzy and queezy and like my physical safety and the safety of others is in danger. I feel like something bad is coming for us; for our country. Something dark, very dark. I am not sure I am referring to ISIS; I just know I am referring to something much bigger than I understand. I don't feel safe. I feel like my mind is holding up a red flag and spastically waving it around to get my attention. I tell myself to be calm, but I get on edge and feel like I am going to need to throw up. It's hard to concentrate on my studies with such bothers going on in my head.</p>

<p>I hear my dad's phone calls, and I have to remind myself that my mind can get the best of me. But I feel the tension in the air. I feel the difference in the flow of things outside of me and my being. I must remember that things are not always as I think they are, but I am often right. I may seem irrational in the eyes of others, but I am learning that I need to remember that I can listen to myself even if others don't believe me nor take me seriously. I think if more times than not someone is correct, that counts as something, or it is false proof that better encourages that person's insanity. </p>

<p>But I have seen things I shouldn't have seen, and I've spiritually known more than what people thought or even I thought. Some I am sure was real and from God. Other experiences, I'm not so sure. I have to pay attention and listen. It could all just be my own struggle within me. I have ignored signs of things, but they all came together like reliable patterns that anyone would believe; it always seems uncanny. I have to pray for clarity because God isn't a God of confusion, and sometimes I feel fear but also a sense of courage. Those are the times I know God is with me. I don't naturally comfort myself like that.</p>

<p>Maybe I am just spiritually bothered. I.. I don't know. I hold onto reality just fine, and I try to live my life like everyone else, but I am stopped in my tracks by feelings that aren't just mere emotions. They are something bigger. Something dark is on its way. Where or what exactly? I don't know.. It could all be within me. I feel we could fight it if we all knew it was coming, but we are not prepared. Or is it within me and I am not prepared? We are not all keeping watch; that I do know. We are being distracted by meaningless things. The big picture is there, but there are too many people who are too easily distracted. We have closed our eyes. I feel like it is about to get ugly on our own turf if it hasn't already and we are just unaware of it currently starting. Or I am just feeling how I feel from stopping my anxiety medications? I don't feel like it is all just me though. </p>

<p>My dad left for Germany this morning. I woke up early to go hug and kiss him. I don't want him flying. I don't want to be afraid and back and forth with my fears and my faith. I want stability. Some of this makes me feel my faith isn't strong enough since I am feeling so much uncertainty. I feel like I am standing in the middle of a seesaw and trying to balance myself; trying to not fall over into panic nor lean too hard the other way and lose feeling all together. Maybe I have bipolar disorder like my cousins. Maybe it isn't spiritual at all. Maybe it is both and I need to pray and listen. Maybe it is all just me. Maybe I am crazy.</p>