November 2, 2008

"I lost my playground"

I just found out my old playground was completely redone... they took down my swing set Crystal and I used to swing on.. it's gone.

I always said I was going to go back and sit in my swing. I always wanted to go back just one more time and sit in my swing and sit by Crystal's.. and it's gone.. and I'm so hurt over it. It's something I never thought about happening. I always assumed it would always be there.. or it would be there for me to go back to just one more time.. I always put off going back.. I could have gone back several other times.. and I didn't.. I was bothered and afraid.. and now it's gone.. and it's a big deal to me.. it's sentimental.. our swings are gone.. after she was killed, I'd sometimes go to the playground alone and sit in my swing and close my eyes and feel the wind around me and just swing.. and if you just close your eyes and swing and.. take it all in.. the sound.. the feeling of the wind.. and the up and down.. it's like it always was... there could be your friend by you.. there could be Crystal, right there... and she could just be being quiet while you both swing..we are swinging...  I used to do that.. go to the swing set and sit in my very own swing.. and close my eyes and swing.. pretending she was there.. and it was okay.. I could pretend everything was okay. It was all okay before then. The move was hard, but she helped me adjust. Then, she was just.... gone.

... it's not that I'm not over Crystal's death.. I mean.. it's been 10 years... it's all the other shit it put me through that I was never able to get over... the pain.. the feelings.. the anxiety.. the fear... losing my innocence.. it was so beautiful... then the world became so ugly.... fear ruled my life... but I could get away for a little while.... I could go to my swing.. and close my eyes and just feel the wind.. and it was okay... and I wanted that one more time.. in my swing.. not some other fucking swing.. I wanted to do it in my swing..My fucking swing... and I wanted to sit in her swing.. and it's gone... and I feel .. devastated. 

I've really lost something.. I always assumed it would be there when I go back.. it's not going to be there... and I hurt for the 10 year old me.. I hurt for me.. right now.. there's little things that I.. treasure.. that remind me of before I realized the world was so ugly... and that was one of them.. it was beautiful and something to me that I don't expect everyone to understand because not everyone has one of their best friends murdered by their neighbor down the street (and I know some people do understand).. that swing was like a 'security blanket'.. a symbol of what once was.. and I wanted to go back.. and pretend it was in the beginning of April of 98.. and I didn't worry about dying or all the other possibilities the world has.. the ugly.. the world became so ugly......and I want my swing back.